JESUS LOVES PORN STARS and door supervisors

hi all.. tonight was an amazing night.
it started with a visit to a local cafe, where a bunch of recovering addicts were djing to each other, there was free pizza and about 9 amazingly friendly welcoming guys. i went from there to The opera house (not to listen to opera) for a Dj night with the legendary Carl Cox. The last time i was there was in an official capacity as Night Club Chaplain a particular doorman had been a bit funny with us and whilst we were there we had helped a girl who was distraught and had wet herself. Her boyfriend was inside and i had asked if i could go in and find him. The doorman said mate you will never find him there are 2000 people in there. I had a photo, so i went in. i spotted him immediatley slumped in a corner and asked him to come outside with me. as i led him out the doorman said "oh my God that was quich, what was that Divine intervention or something??" i said " might be".
Tonight I arrived there and was waiting for my friend Jess to arrive, as i had a spare ticket for her. Whilst i waited i made small talk with the door staff, one of them found my hair hilarious and said it was porn star hair. He told me i looked like Ron Jeremy (a large fat balding man with a thick black mustache!!), not a comparison i would make. Now i don't know many porn star names, but if you have been reading my blog, you would have known that i ordered 50 'Jesus Loves Porn star' Bibles from the usa. Funnily enough in it it has a story of Ron Jeremy and how he has found faith in God, which i had read last week. In the end i had to nip back to my car to get the ticket, so i happened to pick up a porn star bible too and gave it to the doorman. When i handed it to him he was astounded and said ' hat are the chances of that!!??" i said i know, maybe you can read it. At the end of the night, 5am, i walked out, he shook my hand and said ' amazing, i will read it, i then reminded him who i was from my previous encounter there. He was shocked and hadn't put two and two togethor. So random the oddity of that encounter compared t the last, but both had left the same taste in his mouth. He told me any time i wanted i could just show up and he would let me in. Divine indeed :)

For Sale???

i was driving back from Guildford to Bournemouth this week and i was listening to an audio cd of a book called 'Blue like Jazz'. The subject was love.
How in our society we commodify (put a price on) love and and place conditions on loving people.
He talked about how we use language to describe things. When you think of love what words do you use to describe it and the relationships you have?? Maybe spend a moment before reading on with what you think of??.....

He describes how we use words such as...i 'value' our relationship, i want to 'invest' in you, you are a 'diamond', you are 'worth' so much to me. i want to 'spend' time with you. This is economic metaphor!! Language that describes a commodity and in relation to value of something...
What can happen is that, when in a relationship, if someone treats us badly or doesn't show they value us, we then think we are 'worth.. less' we feel 'devalued'. He goes on to say..'This is not how things were meant to be. We are not supposed to get our value from each other and what others think of us. We are all of value purely because we are created beautiful by God, in his image.' (What is beautiful is a whole other subject).

Just as this cd finished and i was thinking on these things i drove past a dirty lorry. Scribbled on the back at the top were these words...

'Love for sale, ask the driver for details'

Not only wierd timing, but i thought really sad that someone feels they can buy love or sell themselves. Songs have been written on this ...

Funny also, i told my girlfriend Jodun about this and the next day on the tube, she sat opposite a quirkily dressed chap and on his waistcoat was a little self written cardboard badge that read, 'not for sale' !!!!

Funny times we live in where some try to sell themselves and others try hard not to and others still hold on to their value as more that ecomonic. In a world where the trafficking of people is the biggest growing illegal trade and the yearly profit from it is said to exceed both Apple and Coca Cola's put together!!! What we really think about ourselves and the value of a human life is important, can we put a price on it???

Praxis- reflection on action

The World Wobbles on its Axis Through Praxis

As I reflect upon the world I live in,
I give it new names from internal thinking

I have to move over a little so you can stand in my spot
And give you a glimpse of the view that I’ve got
Just as I lift my feet and start to move
The world shifts slightly and wobbles through a different groove

Now with both of our views distorted
Neither of us quite know where we were before this

Small aftershocks as we compare our positions
Our minds slowly settle in a different condition
New understanding brings clarity
Old patterns and behaviours are taken from me

We are still both uniquely ourselves with new names
For our world, we now understand, we are changed

This is OUR Transformation

By MF

(paraphrased and poetically transferred from writings of Hazel Stapleton)

Which way next???

Most major religions in the world have the slogan 'love your neighbor as yourself', or words to that effect. But what equips us to do this. To my mind the only thing that really equips us is forgiveness. To realise we are ultimately forgiven, given space to make mistakes and grow from them. It is not until we see the pain of our own short fallings that we can truly have the capacity to make allowances for another.

Also in order to truly Love our neighbor we also have to be able to Love ourselves. This is easily said, but not always achieved. We often see ourselves the way society does, as commodities. We place value on ourselves according to what we do,(achieve), what labels we can afford and ultimately from the way others see us. Even in a relationship we can get our value from how that person loves us not from us seeing our self worth outside that ( often that is why breakups and rejection hurt so much). The problem for many of us, as it has been for me at times, is that in order to receive that love from another we do have to both value and love ourselves.

Many of us feel we do not deserve love.

I spent a number of years trying to earn love, I put big demands on myself to be a certain way. I demanded much from others because of this.

If we consider ourselves perfect or even strive for perfection, my experience is that places huge demands on ourselves and others. Raising expectations of them and us. I want to continue trying to allow myself the space to fail, to grow and grant others the GRACE to do the same. (Grace is a word used to describe receiving without deserving it). Grace does not come cheaply, but it is not something we can buy.
To be gracious really hurts. When someone we love a friend or companion has pain or needs support, understanding or time it can be very difficult to give it to them.

We have needs and desires of our own, our insecurities rejections are apparent and our resources are limited as humans. However there is in us the ability to Love, forgive, and give grace to someone else.

This could be giving space for that person for find healing in their time, not just give a quick fix solution or impatiently demand what we need.

It is not a responsibility or obligation, not something to feel guilty about and put pressure on ourselves about. But it is enriching, life giving and rewarding.
This demands a sacrifice. In the ultimate act of sacrifice, Jesus (Jeshua) gives up his choice to what he wants and needs and makes way for us to have space to find the way. To find healing, find space, find time, find peace. Try it today, it hurts but it works.
As hard as it is to provide grace, it is also hard to receive it. To acknowledge we are weak, inefficient at changing and allowing a work to come into us to bring that change is hard too.
The way I see it, it is a two way process. With the act of grace comes the response and then ultimately for that person healing. Just for some takes longer than others.

As we put ourselves in the place of others and consider their needs before ours we are performing a miracle. A shift in perception. To put the other first demands much, but it is worth it for both... We are all worth it.

hope this makes sense ??? if you got this far :)

Happy New Year

Bit belated i know... but these have been different times for me. A lot of processing being done. I am not intending to use this blog to be self indulgent and tell you all about my life... rather i want it to be something people can participate in. To this end maybe the absence of writing is a reflection on my introspection and maybe if i had written prior to now it would have been more self. Apologies for this. This maybe something to do with a new Love in my life. Her name is Jodun.

For now all i will say is life has been good and hard recently and at times lonley... i will have a thought provoking post out in the next couple of days.
His Grace and Peace

Bird Watching

Hi... i wanna write today about Bird Watching...

now for those who know me, NO i am not talking about the female variety, but the tweety creatures that live in trees. Here is a pic of where i do my bird watching :) From the large windows in my house i can see Blackbirds, Robins, Tits (hehe, still makes me laugh), Pigeons, Magpies and the well known demonically possessed seagulls who do the largest poops on my car, that you have ever seen.

What i have noticed is that these birds always seem to have a sense of purpose. (even if it is to frustrate the hell out of me by deafcing my car evry day). I have not slowed much to take time and watch this kind of nature before, but it is amazing how in their own way they are actively creating, building, storing and observing.

What i imagine is that they are not sitting around thinking, 'oh damn i didn't get that nest built in time'.. 'crap i forgot to marinate the worms when i left the nest this morning', or ' if only i could be on a nice palm branch somewhere'.

I have noted recently that i spend a huge amount of time thinking about the future and sometime in the past and do not spend a huge deal of time in the here and now.
I am becoming increasingly conscious of ' The Moment'.

Matthew6 vs25-26 ' I tell you not to worry about your life. Don't worry about having something to eat or drink or wear. Isn't life more important than food or clothing? Look at the birds of the sky! They don't plant or harvest. They don't store in barns. Yet your father in heaven takes care of them. Aren't you worth more than birds?'

Linked to the last blog about suffering i ask the question when reading this, ' well yeah but some people don't have food to eat at all and they are not taken care of... shouldn't they worry??'

On further thought and reading though i don't think that is what is being said here. Jeff Lucus points out.. that this passage does not mean we should not think about practical stuff, and give no thought to material things.. "My bird lodgers are industrius and busy and the bible is quite blunt about laziness...Jesus calls us away from a superficial obsession with stuff, away for settlng from mere survival, into a life of real significance and purpose "

Like the birds i want to be free from this kind of worry, kinda living in the moment. When people say life is for living and we need to make the most of every moment, i wonder how much those people spend thought and energy worrying about the moments looming the next day?? In a time right now, which for some is extremely tense, with looming reeundancy and economic collapse, i think these words are especially helpful. Lets focus on what we can change/do. Lets focus on the here and now, knowing God is with us no matter how hard it gets. This refusal to worry does not come naturally.
Worry produces anxiety and that is not a helpful thing to carry around with us. I am trying my best to lower my anxiety, take a breath and watch how the birds do it.

"Don't worry about tomorrow, it will take care of itself. You have enough to worry about today" Matt6vs34

A long suffering one...

10/12
i can not believe how many times i have been asked in recent weeks about suffering. it is also the key theme of the book "The Shack" that i am reading.
Why does God allow it?
Why would God answer your prayer for a parking space and not the cry of a little girl about to be abused by her father?

There are answers that people think are cop outs, there are suggestions that go part way and other thoughts that satisfy us for now.

The clear answer is we don't know. God knows. I think the question is more 'Do we trust God?'
If we don't believe in God we don't really need to ask the question or get flustered about someone having an opinion about why God does allow things. It is simply then part of nature and fairness does not come into it.

Why do we blame God? When we think about it, many of the monstrosities done in the world are in the hands of humans and some less obvious, cancer for example... how do we know what really gives us this. Something in the food maybe (artificial agents), the deodorant we use (aluminum), the chewing gum (aspartame)?? Who knows.
If you believe in karma you would believe anything bad that happens to us is deserved from a former life.

But okay why doesn’t God intervene when bad things do happen?
Why did he create pain in the first place?

When I think back to the summer before last, I recount an incident on a beach in Cyprus where a 4 year old boy was dragged out of the water in front of me, possibly unconscious for sometime his frail little body… still. I remember hearing a voice in me saying, go over and pray for him, touch his body and he will be restored. I didn’t. Others tried to resuscitate him but failed, he was dead. The next day I was reading my book. The first thing I read was ‘we need to trust God as we would trust that breathing life into a body can revive it’. Were these words mere coincidence? My heart sank. Could I have done something about this little boy, it brings tears to my eyes now. I don’t know. When I was 14 we were holidaying in France, My best friend Jonny saw a man in trouble in the water, I thought he was joking and ignored it. The next thing we saw screaming from the beach, my mother and I rushed to see a mans head bobbing up and down 200 metres out, we went to swim to try and help but the current was too strong and I turned my mother back, we spent time on the beach my mum consoling his newly wedded wife. His body was found 23 miles up the coast the next day. Could I have stopped it? I don’t know. Could God have, I don’t know? What possible good could be in that?

In Dr.larry Crabb’s book, ‘Moving through your problems toward God’, he helps me with these questions…

‘I Have spent my entire life trying to understand people and life…. And I have learnt much, but some things lie far beyond human comprehension. Godly parents lose their children to drugs ,suicide and materialism. Good families are torn apart by unresolvable tensions. LIFE IS SO MADDENING, so stubbornly uncooperative with our best efforts to reduce it to a straightline, cause and effect flow chart. When I allow myself to think deeply about it I realise I can’t guarantee that someone I love will not take his or her own life. Some things I can do will lower the probabilities, but playing the odds is not very comforting. If people were to balance everyday demonstrations of Gods kindness against evidences of divine indifference, and then determine their level of trust by the position of the scales, very few joyfully confident, exuberantly committed Christians would be running about. ….. ‘

He goes onto say how he has seen some horrendous things with seemingly no clear good emerging, utterly senseless, random and without redeemable usefulness. ‘ I have seen a godly woman contract a rare disease after enduring a dead marriage for many years, I have seen a happy young family torn into despair when the father accidentally backed the car over his three year old son’

I feel this is a deep issue that we each need to grapple with. I don’t think I can do justice what is written so well in books like the above.

I feel to some it is to apportion blame on someone because when we are faced with suffering in the world, We either ask ourselves, 'what can i do?' 'am i to blame?' This leaves us in a place of guilt which we don't like or we can quickly project blame elsewhere.

Maybe this for some does not get God off the hook and before we could possibly believe or trust in a God that cares, we have to ask the question why did he not care for that person we loved, or that helpless child??

I feel that this is where forgiveness comes in. Blame often comes from anger. There is nothing wrong with anger. Also everything is right with Justice. However, to appoint ourselves judge is not The Way. It is God’s job and actually God wants to heal and redeem even the most sick individual.
Matthew 6 verse14 – 'If you forgive others for the wrong they do to you your father in heaven will forgive you'.
Matthew 7 vs 1- ‘Don’t condemn others and God won’t condemn you. God will be as hard on you as you are to others’

Also it can take years and a long journey for someone to forgive someone who has hurt them or someone they love. Even when they do forgive this does not always restore trust in that person or even mean that you now have relationship with them. But most psychologist agree that not forgiving someone damages us.

i think the reason i would ask God for a parking space (and i laugh when i do) is that i believe he cares about everything i do. The reason i would stop eating for a day to pray for a sick friend is because I HOPE God hears me and intervenes. But that is up to him. I wish I knew if I could do anything different to save people. I know I can do a lot more than I do now to save those starving and dying in pain every minute.

I wonder if actually the question of why does God allow suffering is partly a consumer idea? The concept that God is there for something we can get from him, rather than something/someone to be praised and adored? The opposite to asking what has God done for me? is what can i do for him? The opposite of hating God and blaming is to Love God and spend time trying to get to know him, ask the questions but give a chance to respond.

I don’t want to be contrite or insensitive…what is more important is that we ask the questions, don’t ignore the pain, face it, hard as it might be. Unforgiveness holds us back

God …

Breathe in me… deep
That I might breathe… and live
And hold me close that I might sleep
Soft held by all you give

Come kiss me wind and take my breath
Till you and I are one
And we will dance among the tombs
Until all death is gone

And no-one knows that we exist
Wrapped in each others arms
Except the one that blew the breath
And keeps me safe from harm

Addtional thought
I wonder if actually the question of why does God allow suffering is partly a consumer idea? The concept that God is there for something we can get from him, rather than something/someone to be praised and adored? The opposite to asking what has God done for me? is what can i do for him? The opposite of hating God and blaming is to Love God and spend time trying to get to know him, ask the questions but give a chance to respond.

Life is a journey… we can journey with or without God. With, is not the easy way out. Facing pain is not easy. But it is easier to face pain with God than without.

A journey with God is a road marked with suffering, the road less travelled. (see M Scott Peck)